Remembering

One year ago, I took Camden to the park to take pictures of him wearing his Big Brother shirt holding Luyana's picture. I remember the ecstatic feeling I had that day, we had finally locked her file and had been officially matched with her. It had taken several emotional months to get to that point. Today, a year later, I took Camden and Luyana to that same park. I happened to have my camera with me, so I promised to make the kids cookies if they'd allow me to take some photos in the same spots. (It worked!)  Sometimes I look at her and still can't believe she's here. WOW. How amazing to look back and remember God's faithfulness and His hand in this journey!!

YeYe

There's been something unsettled in the pit of my stomach since we visited Lulu's orphanage. When we were there in December, several nannies came to say goodbye to Lu. They'd scoop her up and swoon away in Mandarin while she arched away from them with a look that said, "Do I know you?". Her eyes would dart back and forth between them and Mark and I. Her expression never really changed during the several hours we were there. She didn't seem happy or sad or scared or anything. Emotionless. I've been worried about this. Did she connect to anyone there? Did anyone cherish her and love her and know her the way she was supposed to be? Even if it was just for a few minutes a day?

When we were home, I'd show Lu pictures and video from the orphanage and she'd point out herself only. I'd point to nannies and other children and ask in Mandarin and English, "Zhe shi shui? Who is this?" No response. She'd point back to herself in the photo and say her Chinese name. 2 1/2 years and she can't even tell me who they are? It didn't seem right.

This past Saturday I decided to give it another shot. I opened the picture files on my computer and called Lulu over. She climbed up on my lap and started looking intently at  the one nanny that is pictured most in the photos....."YEYE!!!" She cried, very excitedly. My mind started turning...yeye can mean grandma in Chinese...I remembered that they called some of the nannies grandma. "This is Yeye?" I asked her. She beamed and I showed her more of the same woman. "Yeye! Yeye!" I was blinking back tears and I pulled up a video. At first Lulu is with some other nannies in the video and then Yeye comes over and Lulu practically jumps off the couch, "Yeye come!!!"  

Mark then came over and said to Lu, "Do you love Yeye?" She nodded yes emphatically with a huge smile on her face. At this point, its all I can do to keep myself from curling up on the floor and sobbing. She was loved and she loved. And maybe she was only loved for an hour a day, but I just needed to know that someone, before us, realized her worth.

It took me about 3 minutes to upload all the pictures of Yeye and send them off to be printed. Yeye is framed in Lu's bedroom and Lu has a little book with photos of Yeye in it that she can carry around. I wish so much that Yeye had come to say goodbye to Lu; I don't know why she didn't and I probably won't ever know why.

The first couple of months were such a hard adjustment for all of us. Luyana in particular, of course. Was she grieving Yeye? Was it too hard for her to look at those pictures at first? Her little mind couldn't yet sort it out, I'm sure. I'm so glad now we can bring the memory of Yeye into our home and cherish it. THANK YOU YEYE, wherever you are, thank you for loving my daughter.

Lulu, 22 months old, and Yeye

Lulu, almost 2 years old, and Yeye playing outside

 

 Yeye helping Lulu cut her birthday cake

Yeye and Lulu, one month before she joined our family

Lulu it is

So I really don't like nicknames. There have been several times in my life when someone has introduced themselves like this: "My name is Tony, but everybody calls me T-Bone." Nope. Never. Never, ever will I call you that. Me and your mom will be the only ones to call you Tony and I'm good with that.

We've been calling our daughter by her full name, but it's just not flying for many reasons. Here's one of them.

Phone conversation with a SPEECH AND LANGUAGE PATHOLOGIST:

SLP: How do you pronounce your daughter's name?
Me: Lu...yah...nuh
SLP: Lu...nanna?
Me: No...LU.........YAH......NUH
SLP: Nu...nan?
ME: LU.......YAH......NUH
SLP: Well, I'm not even going to try because I'll never be able to say that.
Me (in my head of course):...Ummm, seriously??

I can totally understand not being able to read it but so many people can't even repeat it after I tell them how to pronounce it. It really boggles my mind; I don't think it's that crazy of a name. So I've been telling Mark we need to settle on a nickname so that when people give me that look, I can say, "You can just call her T-Bone (or whatever)."

So pre-adoption, we called her Lulu, but it never stuck once we got her. Randomly a few days ago, I said, "Lulu, you want some cereal?" The girl lit up, smiled, and pointed to herself and said, "Lulu". I didn't think much of it.  Several hours later we were at the grocery store and she starts smiling at me, patted her little chest and said, "Lulu!" And today every time I called her Luyana, she corrected me, "No," (pats chest) "Lulu". So, Lulu it is. The girl has an opinion and I like that.

4 Months Ago

4 months ago today we were doing this:

WHO IS THAT? That's not MY child. I barely recognize her in these photos.

 

Before we met Luyana, we had these descriptions of her personality:

 

1. Gentle

*Actually, this is one of the first words we taught her. While we were in China, she bit me and pinched me. When she'd hand something to you, she'd throw it. When you handed her something, she'd snatch it. She bangs things, throws things, eats things. I don't think gentle is the way I'd describe her.

 

2. Easy-going

*Yes, this one is true. She takes things in stride. She can miss naps and not be too affected by it (unlike another certain child of mine). She accepts changes and different environments with more ease than I had expected.

 

3. Gets along well with other children

*Also true, she and Camden get along very well for their ages. They play all day together. She doesn't seek out other kids to play with in other social situations, but she does not bully or aggravate others.

 

4. Likes group activities with other children

*Ok, maybe that was true before. But not so much now - maybe these types of activities are too reminiscent of her past. During library story time, she only wants to sit on my lap and not participate. She refuses to go into childcare at church, again I'm assuming because of the above reason.

 

5. Quiet

*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

6. Afraid of strangers

*Nope. Hugs strangers. LOUDLY Yells "hello" to strangers in the grocery store. So that's something we're working on. Boundaries!

 

SO MY GIRL, how would her mother describe her? After only 4 months of knowing her, I feel that I know an insane amount more about her than the orphanage that cared for her for 2 1/2 years. This is how I'd describe her:

 

1. She is so so so adorably girly. Loves her 'baby', purses, chapstick, hair bows (which she calls "piaoliangs" which means pretty in Chinese), dresses, fingernail polish, lotion, makeup, etc., etc., etc. 

 

Gotta love the pink hard hat!! 

  With this photo I envision many selfies in her future.

2. She is a lefty!

 

3. She is crazy smart. She is picking up English so fast. She watches how we do something once and copies it and remembers it. One day Mark's mom was over cutting his hair. As she was using the scissors, Luyana stood in front of her and stared with the "the look". "The look", which means, "I see what you're doing, I'm going to remember it, and when I get the chance, I will do it too". I made a mental note to gather up all the scissors in the house and lock them in a high cupboard.

 

 

4. She is determined and confident. If she is going to do something, she is going to do something. Even if I'm loudly saying, "Luyana, no, stop, no, NO, NO!", she still does it. In fact, it inspires her to do it faster so she can get it done before I stop her. While this is annoying now, I know this is a great quality and one she will need in the future with any physical, social, and emotional challenges she faces.

 

5. She is helpful. She gets our shoes for us when its time to go. She loves helping me cook and clean. If she finds something that is Camden's, she runs to bring it to him. Her face fills with pride when she does something like this and you shower her with thanks and praise.

 

This girl, she is not what we expected by the descriptions we had of her. She is MORE, better. And we are still getting to know her, still learning about her, every day. (Just last week she bent her thumb all the way back, like at the joint in a way thumbs aren't supposed to bend and we were like, "How did we not notice that before?!"). Some days are really hard. Some days I wonder if I can really do this. Some weeks I barely drag myself through the motions because adoption is just difficult and draining and confusing. But she is so worth it all of that. God really did some maneuvering to get this girl here and in THIS family, so I know this is how it supposed to be. She has a ridiculous amount of potential and I am bursting with hope for her future.

 



What Redemption, this parenting love

We have a very set routine for naps and bedtime with our children. One little thing off the routine and Luyana notices big time. A few days ago I was about to rock her for her nap and she kept saying "baby, baby, baby". This is not part of the routine, so I was very interested to see what she would do. I let her down and she went and got her doll, put her in the doll crib, covered it with a blanket and then climbed back into my lap. Then, while still looking at the doll, she said and used sign language to say the word "sad". I wanted to start bawling. Does she think the baby is sad all alone in the crib? Does she somehow see herself in that baby?

Tonight, she again put the baby in the crib, covered her up, but then panicked. She started crying and frantically searching for something (this is not like her at all). Mark called me in to help figure it out. I found the doll's bottle and Luyana lit up. I put the bottle in the bed with the baby and she lost it again, sobbing. Mark and I just looked at each other like, "What is happening here?" I handed her the baby and the bottle and she fed her baby while Mark fed her a real bottle and rocked her to sleep. All the while, I could hear her whimpering on and off. Then I heard her cry out "mommy, mommy!" And my heart broke. How will we reconcile this sadness? Was she even crying for me? Or was it for someone else?

The past few weeks with Luyana has been emotional and HARD. She been testing us more, pushing us away more, going to strangers more. I was lamenting to Mark about it tonight and then I had a light bulb moment. Maybe she is feeling close to us and is really starting to attach and she is afraid, just like the books say. Maybe she is trying to make us mad at her because for her that is more comfortable than affection and love. Maybe she goes to strangers because their "love" is temporary and goes away, while ours is always in her face. Maybe she is pushing away because sometimes it hurts so much to accept the very thing you've always wanted and needed.

The hurt, the fear, the anger, the loss - sometimes it oozes out of every part of her. And it took me awhile to recognize it because sometimes its just looks like defiance, or disobedience, or even charm. Sometimes she fills her mouth with spit, lets it dribble down her chin and comes up to me just to see how I'm going to respond. I don't always respond right, but tonight has really been a wake up call to me. To love MORE. When she lets the spit dribble, hug her and tell her I love her. When she looks and me and then whops her brother over the head with a toy, rock her and sing her lullabies.

Those things aren't natural to me. What feels more natural (and more satisfying, really) is to put her hiney in a timeout. These last 3 months have been some of the hardest in my life. I want so desperately to parent my children in the right way. I want them to be emotionally healthy and strong. I want to be there for them, to not be angry and irritable with them, and to encourage them to be the best they can be. But every day, every single dang day, I fail. One comes up to be held. "I'm cooking, go play." Another dumps their whole lunch on the floor, on purpose, and I loose my cool. I find myself saying "no" way more than I say anything else.

For a while, the feeling of failure was starting to crush me and make me shut down. But I'm starting to learn that it's all a process. I apologize to my kids and tell them I'm sorry. "Sorry mommy got mad and was not nice." Every day I beg God to give me what I need to get through - patience, peace, love. And lately Camden has been saying, "Mommy, you're a good mommy-er." Which, I think, means that he thinks I'm good at being a mommy. Which, I think, means he has a lot of grace and a terrible memory.

So we've been home three months with Luyana and every day is different. I have given up giving up and I'm pressing forward. I might have failures every day, but every day I can try to love more and better. What redemption this parenting love is: failing, forgiving myself, making things right, and moving forward...freeing me and teaching me to press on, and be better, even when it seems like someone else would definitely be better for the job. I will keep pressing on because my biggest hope in life is that when they are adults and look back on their childhoods they will have positive feelings and good memories; that they will still think I was a good "mommy-er". They are both so precious and truly deserve all the love, patience, and peace in the world.

Love, it Comes Back Knocking.

I have the worst memory known to man. If you ever say to me, "Remember when we...?" and I say I do, I might be lying. And I'm sorry. But, for some reason, I remember this song we sang in Kindergarten:

Love Grows, one by one,
Two by two and four by four,
Love Grows 'round like a circle
And comes back knocking at your front door.

Before we met Luyana, I loved her. I loved her in a fierce, almost maddening, give-me-my-child-before-I-hurt-someone sort of way. When we met her, I loved her in a different way than I had expected. In fact, at first, it didn't even feel like love. It was a heavy, almost burden-like feeling of responsibility. In one moment, I was instantly in charge of caring for and providing for all of the needs of someone I had never met and was depending on me. I realized how much of love equals commitment. And boy was I committed. Committed to her well-being and committed to our growth as a mother and daughter.

And I prayed. HARD. I begged God to fill me with different love. I wanted the love that melted your heart and oozed out of you. I wanted the love of a proud mom with adoring eyes.

The other day I was watching her devour an egg roll in the same manner another child might devour candy. I soaked her in the way you might an infant as you nurse him. One by one. This past week, she finally started initiating hugs; good tight, bear hugs. The kind of hug that makes you cry because you know one day they will grow up and will no longer melt into you like that. Two by two. And lately, when we're out in public, I think: "Man, this kid is cute. I hope other people aren't too jealous of how cute of a kid I have". Four by four.

Love, it does grow. And grow and grow and GROW. And we are so blessed.

One(ish) Month

This past month has been c.r.a.z.y.

A few days after we got Luyana in China, we could tell something was up with her medically and developmentally, more than we had hoped. There was a doctor there also adopting and he started talking to us about Luyana's Cerebral Palsy, as if it was just common knowledge that she had it. We had thought it was a possibility, but didn't really think about it much until he talked to us. In China, when she ran, her body would turn completely sideways as if one side was dragging the other side along. When she walked, it was like one leg was stronger than the other. When she tried to climb up or down stairs, she crumpled. One night, I just panicked about it all. If it was true, I didn't know what that meant for her future and I was really freaking out. I emailed a few people who I knew would pray for us. I don't really know what they prayed, but I know what happened. Yesterday she was zipping through the house, and running as straight as could be. No more side running, no more leg lagging, and she's starting to build muscle in her legs and can climb stairs with assistance (!!!!!!). Our doctor said, "I don't see any CP."

BUT, when we had our first doctor's appointment, he noticed what we noticed, something is up with this girl...something more. He didn't think it was CP, he thought she had a certain syndrome. Again, we knew the possibility of a syndrome, but we really didn't want it to be THIS ONE. It would involve years of injections and medications, monitoring of many different organs and body systems, with many social and emotional implications. It was so overwhelming to think about, we didn't even share it with many people.

This morning I woke up CRANKY. Going from one child to two is hard. Adoption is HARD. Two toddlers....well, I don't recommend it. Even more than that, I don't recommend ever attempting to take a photo of two toddlers together and expect anything good to come of it. It will always end up like this:

(And then sometimes, when you want to do a blog post, you just put those 2 moody toddlers down for naps crazy early and hope for the best.)

The doctor's office called early this morning and my cranky self answered the phone. Her chromosome testing, they said, NORMAL. She doesn't have that syndrome. It was like someone pulled a plug and all of this emotional pressure just released. I looked over at Luyana who was eating her second breakfast and smiled while I was on the phone, she smiled back and waved 'hi'. Like I said, adoption is not easy, but I'm holding on to this moment like I'd hold on to a million dollars. Amazing medical news and a returned smile (this is a new development with her!).

So now we're on to figure what really is going on with Luyana. A few weeks ago it was confirmed that she has congenital scoliosis, which we had assumed she had from the start. We're waiting to be referred to a specialist to see what needs to be done next...bracing? Surgery? We don't know yet. The other things that caused the doctor to wonder about the syndrome will need to be looked into as well, but I'm very hopeful and optimistic. I'm so ready to get this medical stuff figured out and do whatever it is we need to do for this kiddo!

I went back and forth about whether or not to share this information publically, but I want to because I know some people who read this may be interested in adoption. And maybe I can persuade you to look into China Special Needs adoption?! Yes, its scary. Its been scary since the moment we read her file and realized how many unknowns there were. Yes, its hard. I cry almost every day. But then this morning, Luyana wanted to eat her cereal on my lap and even laid her head on my chest twice. This is monumental for her and for us. And those moments, the smiles, the initiation of physical affection, the blossoming of this precious one, it has to be worth it. It is worth it. And I know that more hard times are to come, but with them, even greater strides toward healing for us all.

I missed the one month anniversary of having Luyana. I'm pretty sure that day ended up being one of those stay-in-your-pjs-don't-have-time-to-brush-teeth, please-let's-all-just-get-along kind of days and I didn't have the energy or the ability to post photos and celebrate (although it is absolutely worth celebrating!). So, I bring to you the transformation:  First photo is Luyana in her orphanage, the second is Luyana on the day we got her, and the last is Luyana now (ok, the last 4 pictures, I had a hard time picking!). The crazy, loud, fun, active, playful, brilliant girl that we are learning to love more and more every day.

My Life in Two Pictures

Luyana - She gets very quiet, wide-eyed, and observant in public. When people she doesn't know talk to her, she stares at them as if they have 7 heads and fruit trees growing out of their ears. At home, she loves to wrestle, yell and scream, and do anything, in general, that is loud. She will try to drown out all other noise with the noise of her own voice.

Camden - He makes friends instantly in public. Doesn't matter if its an 85 year old man or a baby, he loves everyone and will talk to anyone. He will wrestle until his feelings get hurt, which takes about 2 1/2 minutes. He is sensitive to sound and ever since he started talking complains that things are "TOO loud!"

So you can imagine how it has been. These photos were taken one after the other. Enough said.

We're Home!

Wow, we spent A LOT of time waiting in airports the last couple of days! Our first flight took us from Guangzhou to Shanghai. We had a 7 hour layover in Shanghai and then our flight was delayed, so the layover became even longer. Thankfully the airports in China's big cities are pretty nice!

Guangzhou airport...it even had a play room!

Taking a nap, airport style:

She LOVED this "da doo doo" (car) which was a good way to waste some time during our 7+ hour layover in Shanghai.

 

Saying "bye bye!" to all the planes taking off:

 

Seriously people, let's get going.

 

First timeout. She kept running away and we didn't want to chase her for 7+ hours, so we had to do it. It worked ;) 

She learned how to sign "more" after watching her friend Ellie sign it, here she is asking for more yogurt, which she loves and has really helped her digestive issues!

 

It was so nice to have some of our family at the airport to welcome us home, especially since our flights were delayed and didn't arrive until 1:30 a.m.!  When we got home, we had planned to let Camden keep sleeping, but he woke up anyway. When I went in his room, he was shocked and happy to see me, but then he quickly stared out the door in anticipation, knowing his Mei Mei was going to come through the door next. Mark came through carrying Luyana and he got the hugest smile on his face. He stroked her arm and cheek and kept saying "Mei Mei" so sweetly and then said, "She's so beautiful." (No joking, this kid is the sweetest.) We then got out pretty much every toy in the whole entire house to play with. Unfortunately, so far, the picture below is my only picture from home and it was taken at about 3:00 a.m. last night! Today we basically tried to unpack and learn how to manage two 2-year-olds. Every time I held one, the other was there in seconds wanting to be held, which made heldee #1 a little annoyed. But so far, they seem to really like each other. Camden had her laughing at dinner and sharing is going as good as to be expected given the certain situation.

When we were on our long flight from Shanghai to Chicago, Luyana and I were hanging out at the back of the plane for a little while to let her get out some energy. An older flight attendant was admiring Luyana and held out her hands to her. Luyana thought she was holding out her hand to help her walk, so she reached one arm up. So the flight attendant scooped her up and held her, kind of encouraging her to rest her head on her shoulder. I was surprised Luyana didn't struggle, so I peeked around to see her face and she looked terrified and had silent tears running down her cheeks. This was confirmation to me that cacooning is necessary for us. She is an active little girl and does seem to be making progress everyday, but there is fear and insecurity that we need to work through. We thank you all for understanding and I will try to get some better pictures tomorrow. (You know, in between changing 6 poopy diapers, which was the grand total for today!)

Last Post from China!!!

So as we prepare to come home, I have some things to say.

1. You see all these cute pictures of Luyana and you think, "Oh, she is so loved and happy! She will adjust so quickly and everything will be wonderful." No. The reality is that emotionally, she is much like an infant. Developmentally, about a 12-15 month old. Energy level and independence, exactly her age at almost 2 1/2 years old. This is not an easy combination and honestly, everyday gets harder with her. We have a long road with a lot of hard work ahead of us.

2. THANK YOU. Thank you for all of your prayers. I can't imagine what this trip would have been like if it had not been for all the support, love, and prayers we received while we were here. A few days I started to feel like I was barely hanging on, but then I would get a surge of energy and optimism, which I know had to be from all of the wonderful people back home praying for us.

3. We still need you. We need you to pray for all of us as we adjust to being a family of 4. Pray for Luyana as we find out what all is going on with her medically and for her heart (emotionally) to be healed. We also need you to understand that it will take us some time to adjust. For starters, if you have never experienced a 12 hour time change and the subsequent jet lag, it is indescribable. We will be in survival mode, for sure, for at least a week or two. After that, we will need some serious time to "cocoon" with our family. Meaning we will be staying in a lot to establish a new routine and help Luyana get settled and adjusted before we expose her to the big, crazy American world! We are excited to show her off and have her meet all the people that already love her, but we will need to do it at her pace. I hope people will understand that this is about her need to adjust to a new life and not about our desire to keep her from anyone!

Thank again, from the bottom of hearts. This is the last time you will hear from me in China! Zai jian!

.....

For our last day here, we went to a little playground. The girl loved it! Made me wish it was summer back home instead of snowy winter!


Loved the slide:

I see you!

 

She wanted to hang like the other kids:

Being cute for the Chinese Grandmas.

 

"I will sit here for your dumb picture, but I will not smile."