the BIG wait

I am both looking forward to and dreading the next month. Like last week, I find myself wanting to put on my favorite sweatshirt and crawl into my bed as if it will protect me from the world, the wait, the worry. My fighting gloves have been given a week's rest, mostly because there was nothing I could fight, and I find myself not wanting to put them on again. 

You know, it really is so much easier to sit back and do nothing. And people seem to respect that, especially in the Christian world. You can say that you're just trusting God, that all things work for good, that this is His plan. And while all those things are true, it's important not to use them as an excuse to do NOTHING. To sit around and wait for your God-made-magic-genie to do what He has asked YOU to do.

So, sweatshirt, while I love you with my whole heart, you're going back into the closet. The bed is made; (well, let's be honest, I never make my bed, it seems so pointless) ok, the bed is not made, but I'm not in it. I'm dressed, dusting off my fighting gloves, and heading back into the fight. The fight for Josiah's life that God has called me to be a part of.

Our documents, for real, for real, should be going to China early next week. Then we wait to hear if China will approve our expedite. This is the BIG one. If they approve the expedite, we will get the approval in 1-3 weeks instead of 2-3 months. Then there are a few other small steps and then we'll get Travel Approval. Then we LEAVE. If we don't get the expedite....well, expect lots of tears. Because when I have to fight, I cry.

Thank you everyone who has joined me this week in the fight. For donating, for praying, for encouraging. Let's do this thing!

        

    

Questions about LOVE

So this past weekend we decided to cancel the chili cook-off. I started to hear negative thoughts in my head. Self-doubt. Insecurity. The thoughts said, "People don't really love you." "People say they care, but they don't." "You don't have enough friends." And I started to pull away. I wore the same sweatshirt three days in a row. I wanted to crawl in bed and stay there. I didn't want to talk to anybody. 

And then God whispered softly and tenderly in my ear. "I LOVE you Jodi. And do you remember what people have done for you? Remember the people who have given. Remember the people who have prayed. Remember the people who have asked about Josiah." And I did remember and my heart was so full, it felt like it would burst. Because God's love is the only love. His love flows through others and into us. We love because He first loved us.

Do you know that last week we had a document wrong at the consulate? So last minute, we had to get a new one and resend it. Do you know what my FRIEND did? She dropped everything and waited a ridiculously long time at the bank to get something notarized. And then she drove all the way to Grand Rapids to meet me at the Secretary of State. And then she let my kids sit in her van and watch a movie while I went in to get our state seal. LOVED.

And did you know that the courier fee for that one document was $60? And did you know that THAT DAY, two STRANGERS gave on our YouCaring page? Guess how much their gifts totaled? $60. LOVED.

After that, we got a fairly significant donation from another stranger - a neighbor of my cousin's. 
LOVED.

And then this weekend, a friend that I grew up in church with brought clothes from a stranger in KANSAS for Josiah.
LOVED.

How could I doubt? How could I ever doubt God's love for me? Why would I want to crawl in bed for days and miss God's working in my life? I don't! I won't! And I KNOW God will provide. Chili cook-off or no chili cook-off, He is waiting to show His love. He is waiting to provide the exact amount of money exactly when we need it.

So, stay with me and WATCH. WATCH and see what GOD is going to do. It's going to be awesome, amazing, cRaZy, and probably a little stressful. And good, so so good.

Fighting In Faith

So I'm new to this whole thing of sharing and saying exactly how I feel. It's only a recent development in my life that I actually say what I'm thinking and truthfully answer people's questions. And sometimes I still lie. I say things are fine when they're not. I say, "Whatever, it doesn't matter," when it really does matter. 

And because it's a newer thing, it's not fine-tuned. Instead of just saying what I need to say, I qualify it, apologize for it, question it, or just cry. Mostly I cry. 

Today, we were told our expedite for immigration was denied. The denial came via email and I just stared at the email for a few minutes. I couldn't even process what I was reading. I couldn't understand how anyone in their right mind could say no to helping a child live. Mark then called me from work and I lost it. I was crying and (forgive me) swearing. I knew I'd have to call immigration, but I knew I'd cry and I didn't know how well I could control what I'd say. You know, since this whole standing up for myself is a new thing.

So I called and for a minute or two, I was good. Professional even. But when the person I was talking to said something that was evidence that he didn't know the first thing about Thalassemia, I lost it. I began to cry. He was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. I asked to speak with his supervisor. I could tell she was trying to sound understanding. But when she said, "He is receiving care and it's not a life or death situation," that was it. It was like every time I ever held my tongue, didn't stand up for myself, let people walk all over me, it was all unleashed.

I cried, I raised my voice to her saying "I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW". I eventually told her through sobbing tears that I hoped my son didn't die. And then I hung up on her. And then I threw my phone against the wall. And it broke.

Then I cried and cried and cried. And cried. And then I was like, "What in the world was that?" And I started to doubt myself, doubt my faith, doubt my trust in God, and doubt my ability to advocate for my child in a sane manner.

But then as I thought it though, I realized it's just a process. It's a process of fine-tuning this new-found ability to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in, and stand up for the health of my child. I definitely didn't do that well today, but I'm not dwelling on that. I'm celebrating the fact that I stood up and fought. I will continue to stand up and fight. 

And I decided fighting isn't doubt. Josiah needs someone, for once in his life, to fight for him. I WILL BE THAT PERSON. So I'm sorry to the lady at immigration and my agency rep. I'm sorry you have to hear me cry so much. I'm sorry to our congressman who will be hearing from me tomorrow because I'm sure I'll be crying then too. But, rusty and learning, I will fight on. Fight and believe that God has called me to fight. 

So bear with me. It's going to be a turbulent journey that I believe with my whole heart will end with a beautiful little boy in the arms of his forever mommy. 

I love you so much already, Josiah. I'm fighting for you with everything I have. We're coming...as soon as everyone gets our of our way. Love, Mom and Dad.