Why hasn't God done something for me??

As any normal, insane waiting-adoptive-mama would, I've been obsessing over numbers lately. It seems the average length of time for an expedited LOA (Letter of Acceptance or China adoption approval) right now is 16 days. So I completely expected to have our LOA by day 16, which was a week ago. And after we didn't get it last Friday, I completely expected it Monday, then Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday, and...well, you get it. Each day this week, I felt more defeated, more depressed, less energetic, and more confused. 

Why does it feel like God was so "in" this process before and now things just seem silent? I would start to pray, but then stop. I had already prayed the same thing 100's of times, so what was the use now? He already knows what I want. And I can't think of any good reason why he'd want a sick child to stay in an orphanage one more day than he had to. So I just didn't get it. I started to get slightly irritated at God and then guilty because who am I to get irritated at God? But I was.

I knew I needed one great thought to hang onto....some Truth that I believed so strongly with my head AND my heart that it would overshadow every doubt that God had somehow forgotten or abandoned us. I couldn't find that thought. I listened to music, read my Bible, and listened to others' wisdom. I believed things with my head, but my heart was still so discouraged. I couldn't find the answer to why He hadn't done something for us yet.

Today I dropped C & L off at preschool and headed to Aldi to buy some groceries. I drove by a church that usually has weird announcements on it's sign, so I always read it. Once it announced a Duck Dynasty Bible study, which both intrigued and terrified me. Today it had pixelated purple lilies and a Good Friday message. 

Today it's Good Friday.

Good Friday.

Why hasn't God doesn't something for me?!?!

Really Jodi?!

He did something for me that I could never have done for myself. He did something for me that no one else on earth could have ever done for me. He actually DIED for me and then offered me relationship with Him where I can experience peace in the midst of turmoil.

That's it. That's the thought, the TRUTH, the reminder I needed. It's perspective. God has done EVERYTHING for me. Without Him, I don't know what my life would be. 

And this God, this One who gave His entire life for me...do I really think He has abandoned me? Abandoned Josiah? Abandoned the thing He has called me to do? I don't think I need to actually answer those questions.

Because He didn't stay dead. I'm sure those three days felt like an eternity to the disciples. Maybe like the last two weeks has felt like an eternity to me. But it was the waiting time. It didn't make sense, that God was waiting, just leaving Jesus dead in a tomb. But He was waiting to do something so amazing that it just had to wait, just a little longer, for it to be perfectly executed.

So I'm waiting on God to execute His plan. And I'm believing it's a perfect and brilliant plan. 

It's Friday, but Sunday's coming!!

the BIG wait

I am both looking forward to and dreading the next month. Like last week, I find myself wanting to put on my favorite sweatshirt and crawl into my bed as if it will protect me from the world, the wait, the worry. My fighting gloves have been given a week's rest, mostly because there was nothing I could fight, and I find myself not wanting to put them on again. 

You know, it really is so much easier to sit back and do nothing. And people seem to respect that, especially in the Christian world. You can say that you're just trusting God, that all things work for good, that this is His plan. And while all those things are true, it's important not to use them as an excuse to do NOTHING. To sit around and wait for your God-made-magic-genie to do what He has asked YOU to do.

So, sweatshirt, while I love you with my whole heart, you're going back into the closet. The bed is made; (well, let's be honest, I never make my bed, it seems so pointless) ok, the bed is not made, but I'm not in it. I'm dressed, dusting off my fighting gloves, and heading back into the fight. The fight for Josiah's life that God has called me to be a part of.

Our documents, for real, for real, should be going to China early next week. Then we wait to hear if China will approve our expedite. This is the BIG one. If they approve the expedite, we will get the approval in 1-3 weeks instead of 2-3 months. Then there are a few other small steps and then we'll get Travel Approval. Then we LEAVE. If we don't get the expedite....well, expect lots of tears. Because when I have to fight, I cry.

Thank you everyone who has joined me this week in the fight. For donating, for praying, for encouraging. Let's do this thing!

        

    

Questions about LOVE

So this past weekend we decided to cancel the chili cook-off. I started to hear negative thoughts in my head. Self-doubt. Insecurity. The thoughts said, "People don't really love you." "People say they care, but they don't." "You don't have enough friends." And I started to pull away. I wore the same sweatshirt three days in a row. I wanted to crawl in bed and stay there. I didn't want to talk to anybody. 

And then God whispered softly and tenderly in my ear. "I LOVE you Jodi. And do you remember what people have done for you? Remember the people who have given. Remember the people who have prayed. Remember the people who have asked about Josiah." And I did remember and my heart was so full, it felt like it would burst. Because God's love is the only love. His love flows through others and into us. We love because He first loved us.

Do you know that last week we had a document wrong at the consulate? So last minute, we had to get a new one and resend it. Do you know what my FRIEND did? She dropped everything and waited a ridiculously long time at the bank to get something notarized. And then she drove all the way to Grand Rapids to meet me at the Secretary of State. And then she let my kids sit in her van and watch a movie while I went in to get our state seal. LOVED.

And did you know that the courier fee for that one document was $60? And did you know that THAT DAY, two STRANGERS gave on our YouCaring page? Guess how much their gifts totaled? $60. LOVED.

After that, we got a fairly significant donation from another stranger - a neighbor of my cousin's. 
LOVED.

And then this weekend, a friend that I grew up in church with brought clothes from a stranger in KANSAS for Josiah.
LOVED.

How could I doubt? How could I ever doubt God's love for me? Why would I want to crawl in bed for days and miss God's working in my life? I don't! I won't! And I KNOW God will provide. Chili cook-off or no chili cook-off, He is waiting to show His love. He is waiting to provide the exact amount of money exactly when we need it.

So, stay with me and WATCH. WATCH and see what GOD is going to do. It's going to be awesome, amazing, cRaZy, and probably a little stressful. And good, so so good.

Fighting In Faith

So I'm new to this whole thing of sharing and saying exactly how I feel. It's only a recent development in my life that I actually say what I'm thinking and truthfully answer people's questions. And sometimes I still lie. I say things are fine when they're not. I say, "Whatever, it doesn't matter," when it really does matter. 

And because it's a newer thing, it's not fine-tuned. Instead of just saying what I need to say, I qualify it, apologize for it, question it, or just cry. Mostly I cry. 

Today, we were told our expedite for immigration was denied. The denial came via email and I just stared at the email for a few minutes. I couldn't even process what I was reading. I couldn't understand how anyone in their right mind could say no to helping a child live. Mark then called me from work and I lost it. I was crying and (forgive me) swearing. I knew I'd have to call immigration, but I knew I'd cry and I didn't know how well I could control what I'd say. You know, since this whole standing up for myself is a new thing.

So I called and for a minute or two, I was good. Professional even. But when the person I was talking to said something that was evidence that he didn't know the first thing about Thalassemia, I lost it. I began to cry. He was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. I asked to speak with his supervisor. I could tell she was trying to sound understanding. But when she said, "He is receiving care and it's not a life or death situation," that was it. It was like every time I ever held my tongue, didn't stand up for myself, let people walk all over me, it was all unleashed.

I cried, I raised my voice to her saying "I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW". I eventually told her through sobbing tears that I hoped my son didn't die. And then I hung up on her. And then I threw my phone against the wall. And it broke.

Then I cried and cried and cried. And cried. And then I was like, "What in the world was that?" And I started to doubt myself, doubt my faith, doubt my trust in God, and doubt my ability to advocate for my child in a sane manner.

But then as I thought it though, I realized it's just a process. It's a process of fine-tuning this new-found ability to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in, and stand up for the health of my child. I definitely didn't do that well today, but I'm not dwelling on that. I'm celebrating the fact that I stood up and fought. I will continue to stand up and fight. 

And I decided fighting isn't doubt. Josiah needs someone, for once in his life, to fight for him. I WILL BE THAT PERSON. So I'm sorry to the lady at immigration and my agency rep. I'm sorry you have to hear me cry so much. I'm sorry to our congressman who will be hearing from me tomorrow because I'm sure I'll be crying then too. But, rusty and learning, I will fight on. Fight and believe that God has called me to fight. 

So bear with me. It's going to be a turbulent journey that I believe with my whole heart will end with a beautiful little boy in the arms of his forever mommy. 

I love you so much already, Josiah. I'm fighting for you with everything I have. We're coming...as soon as everyone gets our of our way. Love, Mom and Dad.

It's amazing what $20 can do...

There is something that is so spiritual about the adoption process. I know a lot of you followed our first adoption and watched all the crazy amazing things that God did. The Smile post comes to mind. 

Here are some amazing things ways God used you guys this week:

1. A few people gave generously to our YouCaring account!

2. My cousin offered to make her already-planned Thirty-One Party a fundraiser for our adoption!

3. My good friend from college and her super-amazing musician husband are organizing a concert fundraiser for us in Ohio!

4. Someone gave us $20.

Yes, that's right. Sometimes you need to hear from God in a very specific way. You need him to show up in a way that reminds you that He is listening and He knows exactly what you need, down to the last dollar.

So this past week, we had to watch a mandatory training video online in order for our home study to be completed. We got to the website and realized it was $18.50 to watch the video. Mark and I looked at each other like, "Really?!" I know it doesn't seem like much, but after a month of having to buy a new dryer, furnace, and refrigerator, $18.50 was about to send me right over the edge. Then I remembered something. "Mark! Someone gave us $20 today!" I just felt God speaking to me at that time, telling me that He was watching out for us. That He would provide every dollar at exactly the right time. I don't need to panic right now about the $20,000+ more we will eventually need. It will come when we need it.

So, thank you. Thank you to everyone who has already given. I'm in awe of the friends who are plowing forward and helping us with amazing fundraisers. And to the person who listened to God and gave us the exact right amount of money we needed on the exact right day, thank you.

Praying for abundance

Recently it's been hard not to get discouraged. Why must adoption be so expensive?! Since we are expediting this adoption, we need to have the money in 4 months instead of 12. If at any time during the process we don't have the money, we have to stop and wait until the money comes.

Right after we started the process, our dryer had to be replaced. Two days later, our furnace stopped working and had to be replaced as well. Recently we started noticing chunkage in our milk and today realized it's because our fairly new fridge isn't working as it should. 

I called Mark at work about the fridge, somewhat in a panic. I may or may not have been crying. He then reminded me of a passage from 2 Corinthians - a passage that I had reminded him of a few weeks ago: 

"Now I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully, And God is able to make all grace about to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have abundance for every good deed...Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness..."

We know God will provide and we would be so humbled and over-the-top grateful for anyone who would like to journey with us and be a part of this amazing journey to bring XT home. He needs all of us!

Here are some ways to help:

1. Donate directly to our YouCaring page. 

2. We need a van. We've crammed 3 car seats in the back of our Corolla for as long as possible! And in a few months, it will be 4 car seats. So, if you know of anyone who is selling a mini-van at a good price, let us know!

3. We are thinking of doing a silent auction fundraiser in February. If you have any item or service you'd like to donate, let us know! (Doesn't have to be anything something big or expensive. I will post a list of ideas later this week.)

4. There are some other items we need. If you or someone you know has any of these items and would like to sell or donate, let us know!

-crib mattress  (donated!)

-boys size 18mo. - 2T spring/summer clothes 

-convertible car seat (donated!)

It's so hard to write this post, I'm honestly worried people will think we shouldn't be doing this if we don't have the resources. The only thing I can say to that is that we feel this is what God wants us to do and we believe He will provide. And really, He already has been providing! We are also going to be applying for grants, although most grants will not be able to approve us for the grant and pay us before we actually travel. So we are trusting that God will provide through various ways. And we would love, love, love to have you join us!