Fighting In Faith

So I'm new to this whole thing of sharing and saying exactly how I feel. It's only a recent development in my life that I actually say what I'm thinking and truthfully answer people's questions. And sometimes I still lie. I say things are fine when they're not. I say, "Whatever, it doesn't matter," when it really does matter. 

And because it's a newer thing, it's not fine-tuned. Instead of just saying what I need to say, I qualify it, apologize for it, question it, or just cry. Mostly I cry. 

Today, we were told our expedite for immigration was denied. The denial came via email and I just stared at the email for a few minutes. I couldn't even process what I was reading. I couldn't understand how anyone in their right mind could say no to helping a child live. Mark then called me from work and I lost it. I was crying and (forgive me) swearing. I knew I'd have to call immigration, but I knew I'd cry and I didn't know how well I could control what I'd say. You know, since this whole standing up for myself is a new thing.

So I called and for a minute or two, I was good. Professional even. But when the person I was talking to said something that was evidence that he didn't know the first thing about Thalassemia, I lost it. I began to cry. He was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. I asked to speak with his supervisor. I could tell she was trying to sound understanding. But when she said, "He is receiving care and it's not a life or death situation," that was it. It was like every time I ever held my tongue, didn't stand up for myself, let people walk all over me, it was all unleashed.

I cried, I raised my voice to her saying "I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW". I eventually told her through sobbing tears that I hoped my son didn't die. And then I hung up on her. And then I threw my phone against the wall. And it broke.

Then I cried and cried and cried. And cried. And then I was like, "What in the world was that?" And I started to doubt myself, doubt my faith, doubt my trust in God, and doubt my ability to advocate for my child in a sane manner.

But then as I thought it though, I realized it's just a process. It's a process of fine-tuning this new-found ability to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in, and stand up for the health of my child. I definitely didn't do that well today, but I'm not dwelling on that. I'm celebrating the fact that I stood up and fought. I will continue to stand up and fight. 

And I decided fighting isn't doubt. Josiah needs someone, for once in his life, to fight for him. I WILL BE THAT PERSON. So I'm sorry to the lady at immigration and my agency rep. I'm sorry you have to hear me cry so much. I'm sorry to our congressman who will be hearing from me tomorrow because I'm sure I'll be crying then too. But, rusty and learning, I will fight on. Fight and believe that God has called me to fight. 

So bear with me. It's going to be a turbulent journey that I believe with my whole heart will end with a beautiful little boy in the arms of his forever mommy. 

I love you so much already, Josiah. I'm fighting for you with everything I have. We're coming...as soon as everyone gets our of our way. Love, Mom and Dad.