the BIG wait

I am both looking forward to and dreading the next month. Like last week, I find myself wanting to put on my favorite sweatshirt and crawl into my bed as if it will protect me from the world, the wait, the worry. My fighting gloves have been given a week's rest, mostly because there was nothing I could fight, and I find myself not wanting to put them on again. 

You know, it really is so much easier to sit back and do nothing. And people seem to respect that, especially in the Christian world. You can say that you're just trusting God, that all things work for good, that this is His plan. And while all those things are true, it's important not to use them as an excuse to do NOTHING. To sit around and wait for your God-made-magic-genie to do what He has asked YOU to do.

So, sweatshirt, while I love you with my whole heart, you're going back into the closet. The bed is made; (well, let's be honest, I never make my bed, it seems so pointless) ok, the bed is not made, but I'm not in it. I'm dressed, dusting off my fighting gloves, and heading back into the fight. The fight for Josiah's life that God has called me to be a part of.

Our documents, for real, for real, should be going to China early next week. Then we wait to hear if China will approve our expedite. This is the BIG one. If they approve the expedite, we will get the approval in 1-3 weeks instead of 2-3 months. Then there are a few other small steps and then we'll get Travel Approval. Then we LEAVE. If we don't get the expedite....well, expect lots of tears. Because when I have to fight, I cry.

Thank you everyone who has joined me this week in the fight. For donating, for praying, for encouraging. Let's do this thing!

        

    

Questions about LOVE

So this past weekend we decided to cancel the chili cook-off. I started to hear negative thoughts in my head. Self-doubt. Insecurity. The thoughts said, "People don't really love you." "People say they care, but they don't." "You don't have enough friends." And I started to pull away. I wore the same sweatshirt three days in a row. I wanted to crawl in bed and stay there. I didn't want to talk to anybody. 

And then God whispered softly and tenderly in my ear. "I LOVE you Jodi. And do you remember what people have done for you? Remember the people who have given. Remember the people who have prayed. Remember the people who have asked about Josiah." And I did remember and my heart was so full, it felt like it would burst. Because God's love is the only love. His love flows through others and into us. We love because He first loved us.

Do you know that last week we had a document wrong at the consulate? So last minute, we had to get a new one and resend it. Do you know what my FRIEND did? She dropped everything and waited a ridiculously long time at the bank to get something notarized. And then she drove all the way to Grand Rapids to meet me at the Secretary of State. And then she let my kids sit in her van and watch a movie while I went in to get our state seal. LOVED.

And did you know that the courier fee for that one document was $60? And did you know that THAT DAY, two STRANGERS gave on our YouCaring page? Guess how much their gifts totaled? $60. LOVED.

After that, we got a fairly significant donation from another stranger - a neighbor of my cousin's. 
LOVED.

And then this weekend, a friend that I grew up in church with brought clothes from a stranger in KANSAS for Josiah.
LOVED.

How could I doubt? How could I ever doubt God's love for me? Why would I want to crawl in bed for days and miss God's working in my life? I don't! I won't! And I KNOW God will provide. Chili cook-off or no chili cook-off, He is waiting to show His love. He is waiting to provide the exact amount of money exactly when we need it.

So, stay with me and WATCH. WATCH and see what GOD is going to do. It's going to be awesome, amazing, cRaZy, and probably a little stressful. And good, so so good.

Fighting In Faith

So I'm new to this whole thing of sharing and saying exactly how I feel. It's only a recent development in my life that I actually say what I'm thinking and truthfully answer people's questions. And sometimes I still lie. I say things are fine when they're not. I say, "Whatever, it doesn't matter," when it really does matter. 

And because it's a newer thing, it's not fine-tuned. Instead of just saying what I need to say, I qualify it, apologize for it, question it, or just cry. Mostly I cry. 

Today, we were told our expedite for immigration was denied. The denial came via email and I just stared at the email for a few minutes. I couldn't even process what I was reading. I couldn't understand how anyone in their right mind could say no to helping a child live. Mark then called me from work and I lost it. I was crying and (forgive me) swearing. I knew I'd have to call immigration, but I knew I'd cry and I didn't know how well I could control what I'd say. You know, since this whole standing up for myself is a new thing.

So I called and for a minute or two, I was good. Professional even. But when the person I was talking to said something that was evidence that he didn't know the first thing about Thalassemia, I lost it. I began to cry. He was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. I asked to speak with his supervisor. I could tell she was trying to sound understanding. But when she said, "He is receiving care and it's not a life or death situation," that was it. It was like every time I ever held my tongue, didn't stand up for myself, let people walk all over me, it was all unleashed.

I cried, I raised my voice to her saying "I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW". I eventually told her through sobbing tears that I hoped my son didn't die. And then I hung up on her. And then I threw my phone against the wall. And it broke.

Then I cried and cried and cried. And cried. And then I was like, "What in the world was that?" And I started to doubt myself, doubt my faith, doubt my trust in God, and doubt my ability to advocate for my child in a sane manner.

But then as I thought it though, I realized it's just a process. It's a process of fine-tuning this new-found ability to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in, and stand up for the health of my child. I definitely didn't do that well today, but I'm not dwelling on that. I'm celebrating the fact that I stood up and fought. I will continue to stand up and fight. 

And I decided fighting isn't doubt. Josiah needs someone, for once in his life, to fight for him. I WILL BE THAT PERSON. So I'm sorry to the lady at immigration and my agency rep. I'm sorry you have to hear me cry so much. I'm sorry to our congressman who will be hearing from me tomorrow because I'm sure I'll be crying then too. But, rusty and learning, I will fight on. Fight and believe that God has called me to fight. 

So bear with me. It's going to be a turbulent journey that I believe with my whole heart will end with a beautiful little boy in the arms of his forever mommy. 

I love you so much already, Josiah. I'm fighting for you with everything I have. We're coming...as soon as everyone gets our of our way. Love, Mom and Dad.

It's amazing what $20 can do...

There is something that is so spiritual about the adoption process. I know a lot of you followed our first adoption and watched all the crazy amazing things that God did. The Smile post comes to mind. 

Here are some amazing things ways God used you guys this week:

1. A few people gave generously to our YouCaring account!

2. My cousin offered to make her already-planned Thirty-One Party a fundraiser for our adoption!

3. My good friend from college and her super-amazing musician husband are organizing a concert fundraiser for us in Ohio!

4. Someone gave us $20.

Yes, that's right. Sometimes you need to hear from God in a very specific way. You need him to show up in a way that reminds you that He is listening and He knows exactly what you need, down to the last dollar.

So this past week, we had to watch a mandatory training video online in order for our home study to be completed. We got to the website and realized it was $18.50 to watch the video. Mark and I looked at each other like, "Really?!" I know it doesn't seem like much, but after a month of having to buy a new dryer, furnace, and refrigerator, $18.50 was about to send me right over the edge. Then I remembered something. "Mark! Someone gave us $20 today!" I just felt God speaking to me at that time, telling me that He was watching out for us. That He would provide every dollar at exactly the right time. I don't need to panic right now about the $20,000+ more we will eventually need. It will come when we need it.

So, thank you. Thank you to everyone who has already given. I'm in awe of the friends who are plowing forward and helping us with amazing fundraisers. And to the person who listened to God and gave us the exact right amount of money we needed on the exact right day, thank you.

Praying for abundance

Recently it's been hard not to get discouraged. Why must adoption be so expensive?! Since we are expediting this adoption, we need to have the money in 4 months instead of 12. If at any time during the process we don't have the money, we have to stop and wait until the money comes.

Right after we started the process, our dryer had to be replaced. Two days later, our furnace stopped working and had to be replaced as well. Recently we started noticing chunkage in our milk and today realized it's because our fairly new fridge isn't working as it should. 

I called Mark at work about the fridge, somewhat in a panic. I may or may not have been crying. He then reminded me of a passage from 2 Corinthians - a passage that I had reminded him of a few weeks ago: 

"Now I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully, And God is able to make all grace about to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have abundance for every good deed...Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness..."

We know God will provide and we would be so humbled and over-the-top grateful for anyone who would like to journey with us and be a part of this amazing journey to bring XT home. He needs all of us!

Here are some ways to help:

1. Donate directly to our YouCaring page. 

2. We need a van. We've crammed 3 car seats in the back of our Corolla for as long as possible! And in a few months, it will be 4 car seats. So, if you know of anyone who is selling a mini-van at a good price, let us know!

3. We are thinking of doing a silent auction fundraiser in February. If you have any item or service you'd like to donate, let us know! (Doesn't have to be anything something big or expensive. I will post a list of ideas later this week.)

4. There are some other items we need. If you or someone you know has any of these items and would like to sell or donate, let us know!

-crib mattress  (donated!)

-boys size 18mo. - 2T spring/summer clothes 

-convertible car seat (donated!)

It's so hard to write this post, I'm honestly worried people will think we shouldn't be doing this if we don't have the resources. The only thing I can say to that is that we feel this is what God wants us to do and we believe He will provide. And really, He already has been providing! We are also going to be applying for grants, although most grants will not be able to approve us for the grant and pay us before we actually travel. So we are trusting that God will provide through various ways. And we would love, love, love to have you join us!

You prayed, didn't you?!?!

You guys!! You prayed, didn't you?!?!

Today we had our home visit and our home study social worker said our home study would probably be done ONE AND A HALF WEEKS from now. Say wha...?! Like she's moving faster than me! Now I'm scrambling to get a few things done this week to keep up with her. Keep praying! We have a few documents hanging out there (background clearances and a letter from my doctor) that need to come for her to finish it. Then we need a few letters from specialists so that we can complete the next step the second that home study is finished!

And right now we're working on the possibility of finding a donor near XT who would be willing to donate blood so we can pay for some extra transfusions while he waits. When I first thought of this idea, I didn't even pursue it because it seemed like such a long shot. But with the encouragement of some other moms with kiddos with the same condition, I sent out some emails and made a few phone calls and now we just wait to see if everyone is in agreement that this is something that can happen.

Oh my heavens, people, keep praying!!

**On a side note, when the home study worker walked into our house, the first thing Camden said was, "This is our cat, Lucy. She's really mean and she bites people." Sheesh! She bit one person once like a year ago and she really isn't mean. Later when we were giving her the home tour, Camden insisted that she look inside our bedroom closet. Literally the only closet I didn't organize last week. The closet I shoved all the dirty laundry and miscellaneous items in. That kid!

Please, please pray.

Please, please, please pray for our little guy. We got an update on him two days before Christmas and it was not what we wanted to hear. If you haven't read about his condition yet and would like to, click here.

Our biggest concern is how long he is going between blood transfusions. His hemoglobin levels are so low, he is at risk for cardiac arrest. And because of lack of medication, his organs are enlarged and he is losing his hair. I had been so hopeful that this wouldn't be the case for him and it hit me for the first time that he really could die before we get to him. After a day of crying, Mark and I had some very good talks. We reminded each other that God can sustain him though any health struggle. He can keep his little body functioning at a level you and I could never survive. So that is our prayer. While we will trust God whatever the outcome, we so badly want to bring him home. We want to see what good medical care will do for him. We want to see him happy, see him smile, see him live and thrive. 

We have been considering naming him Josiah, which means "Jehovah has healed". I like it because it is past-tense. We believe this promise. Either God will completely heal him by taking him to heaven, or we will get to participate in his healing here on earth. 

We are trying to expedite his adoption. If the expedite works, we could be leaving as early as April to go get him. But, unfortunately, most of the process is not dependent on how quickly we can do things, but on how quickly others do things and whether or not the right people approve the expedite. So here are our specific prayer requests. Will you pick one and lift it up to God right now for us? And as you think of us and our little guy, lift it up to God again and again?

1. Pray our home study worker will complete our home study FAST (this is our first step). Along with that, that there will be no delay in the paperwork that goes along with the home study.

2. That God will sustain our little guy until we can get him. That the lack of medical care will not do permanent damage to his organs.

3. Pray that U.S. immigration will approve the expedite. This will shave a lot of time off of the process if they will approve it. I've heard rumors that they are not currently allowing expedite for kids with thalassemia. Whether or not that's true, we believe God can allow it to happen!

4. Pray that we will not have any snags in getting our China paperwork together. And pray that China will agree to expedite. (And that our agency will assist us in all of this.)

5. Pray for our finances. Adoption is expensive, really expensive. And I know some people think that you shouldn't do it if you can't afford it. But I can't even go there right now. No, we can't afford it and we especially can't afford it in a 4 month span of time. But we know God has all the resources in the world and we need Him to provide for us.

Thank you sincerely for each and every prayer. It means so much to us! Here is a recent picture of him. It's a sad picture and it breaks my heart because I know how sick he must feel.